regret

regret is a topic that seems to pop up again and again for me
in a poem
in a blog post thats nearly a year old
in thoughts that dont want to leave

theyre regrets for falling too quickly
regrets for drifting to the bottom and confusedly stumbling around once there rather than crashing into the stone
regrets for saying too much
and regrets for saying just not enough.

theyre regrets for letting go
regrets for thinking i could hold on
regrets for not being ready to let go when ive been holding on far too long
and regrets for watching from afar.

i want, so badly, to re-immerse myself into the life i once lived but i cant
because the life i once lived is very quickly becoming the life im living
as time passes on, what will be becomes what is becomes what once was
all because time is arbitrary and dumb.

im sorry for telling you too much and letting go
i can only hope that you also feel so
but its hard when i know that you dont

say "hello, mr. president." >:(

not yet

we were playing some stupid game that sparked a conversation that i'd like to say was equally stupid, but it's hard to call something stupid when all you remember of it is how beautifully the person's voice flowed through what they were saying, and how the light hit their eyes just so in a way that made the usual blackish brown tone erupt into a seemingly infinite abyss of shades of brown. words cant *begin* to describe everything i felt in that moment. love, for this person it feels like i've only just met but already hold dear. regret, for letting myself walk down a dead ended path. wonder, with this newfound beauty that hid behind those cloudy blackish brown eyes. i'll never forget what's past those blackish brown eyes. not only that depth, but a mind that has corners that even the most thorough would look past, and i could only *wish* to be graced with the honour of getting to know those parts. i want them to let me into that mind of theirs. let me pick it apart in the least menacing way. let me see all the deepest darkest secrets and embrace them as if they're my own. i know that i'll never get to, but i'll never stop wanting, wishing. i'm almost always one to act first, wait second, but in this circumstance, i think i'll have to go all aaron burr and wait for it. i can't try my luck with this person, because they already have someone. i don't even know if i'd want to try my luck with them. all i know is i want them closer. so close. and i can't have them closer. not yet.

asdfghjk

do you know how hard it is to have a crush on a straight guy with a girlfriend.

its hard. kill me.

blergh

i want to draw a skull. i'm going to draw a skull.

ha

im bored. pls help.